The Death of Boris

The Death of Boris

By Arseny Minghajev

Boris Munson laid on the ground, dead. “About time,” – said his professor: “This moron has been dead for the entire week! Well, at least he wasn’t a mouth-breather…” For months, Boris’ classmates kept mentioning how they were dead. “I’m so tired, I might as well die,” they said. “This assignment killed me!” they exclaimed. But Boris had actually died. 

Boris Munson was a sophomore. He never had a girlfriend. Every night, when Boris laid down in his bed, his heart sank down through the mattress, through the wooden tiles, straight to the center of the Earth. As it got closer to our planet’s core, he felt warmth and fell asleep. But as the sun rose, his heart floated back up to his chest, and Boris woke up alone. He sulked in solitude and went to class. 

Boris’ academic aspirations kept him alive. Before he died, Boris wanted to discover something. He just didn’t know what he wanted to discover. Boris had a brilliant friend, Sonny. She always told him that discovering something new is like thinking of a color that you’d never seen. “Very tough,” she said. Every time Boris glanced at Sonny, his heart felt ticklish. He had no clue what to make of this sensation. Only the Earth’s core could perturb his heart, but Sonny was too petite to contain it. 

Boris Munson, as his name suggested, came from a lineage of people who were neither interesting, nor extraordinary. His wardrobe consisted of t-shirts, pants, and

sneakers. He had, however, one fascinating uncle, Chuck. Uncle Chuck would pray after eating food at Boris’ father’s house, instead of before. “Your mother’s cooking needs divine intervention,” he reasoned. Uncle Chuck was an inventor, and Boris wanted to follow in his footsteps. 

One day, Boris’ professor assigned his students to come up with an original idea. Boris sat down and thought hard. He squeezed his forehead with his skinny fingers and furrowed his brows. Boris thought so hard that he spiked a fever. Nothing. Every idea that Boris thought was original came from some boring book. He tapped the top of his head, and it made a hollow sound. 

“Do I even have a brain?” – thought Boris. To confirm that he did indeed have a brain, Boris took it out of his head. But now that he was brainless, naturally, Boris couldn’t remember to put it back where it came from. Now, he only had his heart left. 

Brainless Boris had the confidence to ask Sonny out. He felt like drinking, but his eyes saw Uncle Chuck’s quote peeking from his notebook: “When drinking becomes legal, you realize how childish it is.” It didn’t feel right to drink after seeing that. 

Midnight was nearing. Boris stepped out of his dormitory. He felt dizzy as he went up the stairs. He kept grabbing his heart, as it kept trying to make its routine way down to the center of the Earth. Boris was almost there. He reached out to knock on Sonny’s door, but his heart suddenly slipped away and sunk through the floor at terminal velocity. 

Earth’s warmth calmed Boris, so he went back to his room. His heart never came back after that. 

For the next week or so, Boris Munson kept coming to class, but, without his heart and brain, information trickled out of Boris’ left ear at the same rate as it flowed

into the right. There was one strange guy who kept telling Boris: “I know you’re dead, but hey, on the upside, your attendance is perfect. That’s pretty cool.” Trading life for a perfect attendance didn’t seem reasonable, but what could Boris say back if he had no brain. 

Next Monday, on his way to class, Boris tripped over a book that his professor dropped, twisted his leg, fell perpendicular to the floor, and broke his nose. Poor brainless Boris couldn’t think of a way to breathe with a broken nose or assume an upright position with a twisted leg. Class had already started, and no one was brave enough to help him up, as the professor had a strict sitting policy. The professor pointed at him and exclaimed: “Look, students! Before you is a metaphor for something!” Boris Munson turned red, then blue, then purple, and then died silently.