Agency

Agency

By Peyton Sterling

one day you’re walking down the halls
you’re swishing basketballs
and then you’re walking down the aisle
she looks up at you and smiles

then you look up in the mirror
you recognize your ears
you recognize your waist
but no longer your face

what happened to get you here?

i miss the nights when the sun went down at 5
mom would make her chicken with chives
when we would stay up all night and game
before i ever knew his name
before everything felt the same

back when i was christian
and sang jesus is risen
once i stopped believing
my mind became a prison

i look up and im in college
every day i feel like garbage
at night i stare at the ceiling
and contemplate the feeling
this future is unappealing

I miss being a child
the road went on for miles
and when i looked to the future
the vision it was clear

I wish i were back in school
where there was all those rules
back when i carpooled
in my red polo i thought was so cool

or on my hometown road
where the clouds would blow
over my head and the world felt small
and I thought i knew it all

but i’m still the same person
although another version
but how did this time pass?
i thought my foot was off the gas

when did i loose my agency?
my mind is so hazy
I want my life back
this girl is beautiful but she’s not for me

turns out i’m in less control than i used to be